Stop thinking there is enough time left!
I have searched from the time I was around 13-15 years of age, wondering if I was going to be one of the lucky ones who grew up and became happy and fulfilled, with a career that had value, a family of my own, eg wife who loved me, a couple of kids.....Life - I never felt my destiny was in any part of my control, but I perceived others as designing just the kind of life they wanted. My thoughts were filled with wishes and hopes. I never thought of those as being the very blocks and barricades that eventually would seem to frustrate me and cause me to look at myself as a virtual failure with a life thus far full of evidence as to why "I can't".
Wishes and hopes, traced backwards to a set of forming beliefs as to my inadequacy, my logic convincing me that I will never be like one of "those guys" in Jr High and High School who seemed to have it all - the seeds of greatness. Depression was the result of the growth of weeds, seeding a pessimistic view of how my life would evolve. I always thought I would fail. I always thought I would die young, I always thought I was unlovable and needy, I always thought of my self as deficient, unattractive, undeserving. Others seemed to get awards and recognition, applause, encouragement. As I look back, I seemed to get some encouragement but I recall thinking it was nice to hear but the encouragement never seemed to take root, and I only thought of goals as something others were able to achieve.
What was love? I wanted to be one of those guys who had an attractive gal who wore my ring and felt lucky to have me. I was instead a loner. And lonely. I was sort of autistic in my thinking, felt different with a huge void of the wisdom I needed to see the world as it was rather than the persistent ways I thought...……..
I have searched from the time I was around 13-15 years of age, wondering if I was going to be one of the lucky ones who grew up and became happy and fulfilled, with a career that had value, a family of my own, eg wife who loved me, a couple of kids.....Life - I never felt my destiny was in any part of my control, but I perceived others as designing just the kind of life they wanted. My thoughts were filled with wishes and hopes. I never thought of those as being the very blocks and barricades that eventually would seem to frustrate me and cause me to look at myself as a virtual failure with a life thus far full of evidence as to why "I can't".
Wishes and hopes, traced backwards to a set of forming beliefs as to my inadequacy, my logic convincing me that I will never be like one of "those guys" in Jr High and High School who seemed to have it all - the seeds of greatness. Depression was the result of the growth of weeds, seeding a pessimistic view of how my life would evolve. I always thought I would fail. I always thought I would die young, I always thought I was unlovable and needy, I always thought of my self as deficient, unattractive, undeserving. Others seemed to get awards and recognition, applause, encouragement. As I look back, I seemed to get some encouragement but I recall thinking it was nice to hear but the encouragement never seemed to take root, and I only thought of goals as something others were able to achieve.
What was love? I wanted to be one of those guys who had an attractive gal who wore my ring and felt lucky to have me. I was instead a loner. And lonely. I was sort of autistic in my thinking, felt different with a huge void of the wisdom I needed to see the world as it was rather than the persistent ways I thought...……..
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